Contributed by Daniel Schinzing

* God Made Us Sisters; Prozac Made Us Friends

* My Mother Is a Travel Agent for Guilt Trips

* Spotted on a passing motorcycle): If You Can Read This, My Wife Fell Off

* I Used to Be Schizophrenic, but We're OK Now

* Veni, Vedi, Visa: I Came, I Saw, I Did a Little Shopping

* What If the Hokey Pokey Is Really What It's All About?

* Coffee, Chocolate, Men; Some Things Are Just Better Rich

* Liberal Arts Major..Will Think for Food

* Don't Treat Me Any Differently Than You Would the Queen

* Gravity...It's Not Just a Good Idea. It's the Law

* If You Want Breakfast in Bed, Sleep in the Kitchen

* First National Bank of Dad; Sorry, Closed

* In Dog Years, I'm Dead

* Love May Be Blind, But Marriage Is a Real Eye Opener

* If at First You Don't Succeed, Skydiving Isn't for You

* The Trouble With the Gene Pool Is That There's No Lifeguard

* Get a New Car for Your Spouse. It'll Be a Great Trade

* Wanted: Meaningful Overnight Relationship

* I'm Going to Graduate on Time, No Matter How Long It Takes

* Anything Not Worth Doing Is Not Worth Doing Well

* A Day Without Sunshine is Like Night

* First Things First, but Not Necessarily in That Order

* Old Age Comes at a Bad Time

* In America, Anyone Can Be President. That's One of the Risks You Take

* You're just jealous because the voices only talk to ME.

* BEER: It's not just for breakfast anymore.

* NEBRASKA: At least the cows are sane.

* Your kid may be an Honor Student, but YOU'RE still an idiot.

* Always remember you're unique... Just like everyone else.

* God is my co-pilot, but the Devil is my bombardier.

* I don't have a license to kill. I have a learner's permit.

* Taxation WITH representation isn't so hot, either!

* Who were the testers for Preparations A through G?

* 5 days a week my body is a temple. The other two, it's an amusement park.

* EARTH FIRST! We'll strip-mine the other planets later.

* Save the whales! Trade them for valuable prizes.

* Whitewater is over when the First Lady sings.

* Jack Kevorkian for White House physician.

* My wife keeps complaining I never listen to her ... or something like that.

* Alcohol and calculus don't mix. Never drink and derive.

* If we are what we eat, I'm cheap, fast, and easy.

* Stop repeat offenders. Don't reelect them!